The last few weeks I have been busy with translating and updating my website. After years of half-hearted attempts to build a profitable coaching practise next to my job as an Office Manager I’ve decided that now is the time to fully commit. Having said that I’ve also been confronted quite intensely with restricting beliefs, my inner saboteur and underlying fears and insecurities.
My most restricting belief in building my coaching practise is the fact that I don’t see myself as a coach. I don’t use any of the coaching methodology and techniques to get from A to B with my client and what I’ve learned in all my training is that these are the basis of any good coach. In my sessions I rely completely on my senses and intuition and I use my different skills and talents wherever I feel that they are of benefit to the process of healing and insight with that particular client. I have no clear line and no pro conceived idea of the outcome and I’m nothing but curious to see where the opening towards healing and insights presents itself. This consistently not knowing is the source of both my strength as a coach and the basis of my insecurities and it still surprises me that it doesn’t matter how much feedback I get from my clients about their progress and breakthroughs, a part of me still doubts if I’m a good coach.
The saboteur within me distracted me from my work on a daily basis by presenting me with lots of things that needed to be done. I had to spend time with my love, do household chores, do groceries, call and app with friends and family, exercise, check FB and Instagram, make coffee, at any time there would be a reason to not choose for myself and the future I was creating for myself.
In this whole process there was a structural fear of not being good enough, the insecurity in my ability to build a business. There was also a fear of failure directly connected to the question if I deserved to be successful. Acknowledging these fears and insecurities made me really vulnerable at first, but as soon as I gave room to the feeling of being vulnerable the voice within my heart would start to whisper that I was more than good enough. In the stillness of the moment she would tell me that I have made mistakes in my life, that I gave in to my fears many times and disregarded my intuition even more. She would proceed by telling me that every time I failed or fell down I got back up, that I’ve learned to trust myself and that I’ve needed my failures to grow in wisdom, compassion and empathy.
Sometimes I lose heart when I think that a part of me will always try to pull me back when I decide to take a step towards growth and a new future. Whether it’s the decision to take a sabbatical for a year to write my book, the leap of faith in emigrating to the UK or to follow my heart in building a coaching practice, there is always this fear that tries to hold me back. It was only last week that I realised that I can use this fear to propel me forward. The metaphor of a hunter taking aim came to mind and in this metaphor it is fear that pulls me back, providing me with the energy I need to make the necessary step forward. It is the build-up of tension on the bow in the form of my fears and insecurities that gives me the opportunity to set a clear intention and forces me to focus on the goal. In the end it is the release of this tension that gives the arrow the momentum to reach its target.